Memorial Day

Yesterday was indeed Memorial Day on so many levels for me. On top of everything else that went on yesterday, I observed the memorial day for the 2nd year of the death of my father.
I was a good kid and did all the proper things that I am supposed to do, I cooked and prayed and attended the services and I recited the mourners prayers, but something is still missing.

For beginners, I was sincerely sad and I don't know why they say that as time goes by it becomes easier, it does not. I simply miss him. I talked about him with 4teens and hubby chubby and remembered him fondly, but still there is something missing. I need to remember him in a way that is only mine, I need something special that no one shares with him, but me and I am desperately looking for this.

We both shared a special interest in reading and enjoying amazingly odd news. We both loved to write, however, I am not sure if he wrote to his friends as he wrote to me. My writing comes from heart, because it reveals and illuminates concepts for me. It calms me, but he was a calm person in the last two decades of his life. Very at peace with life, accepting and good humored.

I never knew him well when I was a 4teen, because he was busy working and I was busy being a 4teen. As I grew older, and as our lives changed millions of times, I saw him in ways that my siblings never saw him, I saw him as a human being and not only a dad, and maybe that is the connection that I had with him privately.

I miss his serenity, his calming voice and his advice. I miss him asking about 4teens and laughing at their adventures. No one ever showed interest in my education and career as he did. No one ever encouraged me to further my education as he did. I see traits of him in my 4teen male and it makes me feel that he is with me, and I guess that no matter what everytime I see my son, I see a piece of him that will plant a smile on my face.