A few years ago, when I named my blog 40plusgoingon4teen I was trying to be very honest, but in a fun way so that my 4teens would relate to me and read about my thoughts and get to know me and my values in a entertaining way. But as I started writing, I found out that I was not out of line choosing that name at all, because at 40+ as a woman/mother/wife/daughter, at times I still feel lost and clueless about many things like my teenagers. There are times that I still need comfort and assurance of someone who believes in me and loves me unconditionally. I need someone to guide me and to hold my hand when things do not make sense. One would think that as we grow older and our children become adults, who miraculously know everything, we have all the relevant answers and there would be nothing more that we can learn from our frail and old mothers who are robbed of their youth, and memory. As odd as it sounds, I am still feeling like a child who is learning valuable lessons from my mom, with a tiny exception, this time I am taking this lesson to heart very dearly.
My mother is a very old 83 years old woman. Not only she is in poor health, but is also diagnosed with early dementia and she forgets a lot of things, and then again she remembers many other things. She now lives in an assisted living facility with a great staff that takes physically a very good care of her. She was moved to this house, because she did not get along with various live-ins that were employed for her, and that she could not take care of herself. Needless to say that she still does not accept this fact. She is currently happy for the care and the food, but resents the fact that she is confined to this kind of home and is been stripped out of her control abilities. If we were back where I was born, she would have never been moved to an elderly home and she would have lived with one of her children, but the reality is that we are not back home and that is not very possible right now. The worse part is that we do not even live in the same country and I do not get to see her very often and our relationship is mainly over phone calls and my occasional visits, which unfortunately is not as much as I want.
As an adult now, when I look back on my childhood, I know that there are many things that I learned from her by just observing her. My mother rarely shared emotion or thoughts with any of us and despite what others think about her, I always found her a real survivor. As a child, she had a very difficult life and whatever she learned about life or anything at all, she did it by herself without much guidance or help. As crazy at it sounds, even at her situation right now, she is still a very wise woman, who can see the jest of the situation much clearer than the rest of us and I still have faith in her sayings and observations. From her, I learned to read in between the lines. From her I became an expert in body language and because of her, I myself, became a survivor.
I am 50 years old now and a mother of two adults who think that their traits, values and behaviors are mainly self invented. Little do they know? They have no clue that even today; I am learning from my mom, without her preaching or teaching me directly. Because of her, today I go two extra miles to be compassionate to the elderly people, widow or not, who are frail and forgetful and are lonely and in need of loving human contact. I realize it now, that although I had it in me, but because of her, I do understand the need of all these senior citizens better than I thought I did. Today, I have a loving compassion for my own mother in law who is also a widower exactly like my mom living in an elderly home on her own, but in a much better health wise shape. I understand her enthusiasm on Friday nights when she comes to our home for dinner to be with us and the kids for a couple of hours. Today, I go the extra mile, to make her the foods that she likes, but does not eat much, despite my demanding job and tireless hours that I work. I did all these before out of my cultural background and at times with resentment, because of excess workload that I had. Today, I do not mind the exhaustion, maybe sometimes I do, but at the end, the better side of me prevails and I do the right thing, because it is right and I understand why it is right. She may or may not remember what she ate at our house, but the joy and satisfaction on her face for having her favorite food brings tears to my eyes. When I was younger, I barely kissed her and she barely volunteered and that was perfectly ok with me. Today, I know that she enjoys my embraces and maybe needs to be loved, hugged or kissed. I do not even mind the endless repetition of stories on a weekly basis, neither her sometimes hurtful words nor being unappreciative. All, because I see my own mother and I learn to understand and be more patient. Today I volunteer in various elderly homes, even if it is visiting with a sick senior citizen for a few minutes. I shop for them, listen to them and help them with their numerous chores and demands that they have.
There were times that I did all of the above in high hopes that down the line someone will do the same for my mom. Or to be more frank, I did it, so that the karma will be kind to me as I grow old myself. I had many mixed feelings and I resented the fact that I stopped being my mother’s daughter and became some one else’s daughter. Then I learned from my mother’s life that this is not guaranteed either. Either do it with love, or don’t do it at all. Expecting good retribution in the future for all I do today does not work like insurance policy, and I have started doing more with caring and less with resentment.
I know that I am growing older and that has to do some with feeling so emotional now, but I have also began to realize that no matter how old I am, deep in my heart, I still need a mother to show me the way and to point me to the right direction. I know that she has done a great job as raising a socially responsible child who herself has raised a beautiful family away from her own family, like she did, but I don’t know how good of a daughter she has raised for herself. I have no regrets in my life, despite the many adventures that I have had so far, except for one; not living close to my parents for the past decades. Maybe my children will learn from my life, but I have learned from my mother that I am not going to stop them from pursuing their lives and their dreams, even if they grow to regret it later.
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