Where will I be this Saturday?

Last week, the question from an acquaintance, “Are you becoming religious?” started me thinking. I knew that I was not getting more observant than I am and that was never part of the plan, but somehow I am sending this message to people. Do I care what they think? No I don’t, but….

I had to step back and look at myself from afar. It is not news to people who know me that in the past months I have been attending the synagogue almost every Saturday and special occasions and that I have been reading the book of psalm on a regular basis. I have also started volunteering again and have made some minor changes in my life. I am reading more often, but the type of books and articles have changed too. I am reading more biographies and the sort versus fiction and magazines. But I was sure curious to find out why was the need for the changes in my life and it took me a week of continuous metro ride back and forth from work until last Saturday I figured out why.

I was raised in a traditional home. I was taught the values that are very much in line with the laws of humanity and in this case, Judaism. In different stages of my life, I have attended the services for numerous reasons, but one reason has been constant from my childhood to this age and that has been the socializing part of it. As a child, we played in the synagogue with friends that we seldom met and at 4tplus, I am still looking to see friends and chitchat with them. Food was never an incentive to attend services and neither was boredom of my life or lack of things to do.

At this point of my life, I need some peace and quiet as some may call meditation. I need to balance my super busy life with something with human essence. I was so wrapped up in my daily life that I forgot about the small things in life that have big weights. I stopped appreciating the good things in my life and started fretting over things that are yes important, but on a bigger scale not that important. I was in the middle of my life and busy with day to day things that I almost forgot the bigger picture. In short the famous balance was not there, and I know it, because I was irritable, grumpy and dissatisfied all the time. I needed to remember a few things that I had forgotten. For instance, I had forgotten how I enjoy learning or the value of a good intellectual discussion. I enjoy the rabbi’s sermon, even if on days that I do not agree with him. It just adds some value t my life and you can call it whatever you want.

And for the record, even if I were looking for an answer to the whys of my life, it has not gotten me any closer to any explanations.

In conclusion, for those of you who are looking for me on Saturday mornings, if I am not at the beach or the antiquing excursions, I am at the synagogue early praying and seeking balance and peace for my tired soul. I sometimes close my eyes and just listen to the words without even understanding and I am uplifted. Just doing nothing and listening to the tunes refresh me. There is something soothing about those minutes in my day. If food is the nourishment for my body, then this hour of my life is the food for my soul that pushes me to rethink my life and strive to be a better person. Now if there is food at the end of the services, and often there is, I am not going to refuse!